VELMA
Front step cha cha cha
Back step cha cha cha
Side step front step
Back and turn
Oh Amber, look at this motley crew!
This town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
AMBER
Oh Mother not more ancient history
VELMA
Oh my God
How times have changed
These girls must be blind or
Completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Amber! That move is far too dirty
AMBER
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours. This isn't 1930!
VELMA
You can laugh but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Remember Mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
AMBER
These steps are perfect ammunition
VELMA
Let me show you how your mommy dear
Took out the competiton
Girls, go get 'em! Boys, let's rhumba!
Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their 'cups'
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin
In their dance
Not a chance!
Boys, put me down. Oh, good morning ladies
Let's see what you've got.
COUNCIL GIRLS
Twist twist twist twist mashed potato mambo
VELMA
Ready? Begin, on my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bump and grind
AMBER
What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
VELMA
You should have seen my bag of tricks!
Ohh I hit the stage batons ablaze
While belting Aida
And preparing souffles
But that triple sommersault
Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Proceed...
TAMMY
Are you scared we're on live?
TRACY
No, I'm sure I can cope!
AMBER
Well, this show isn't broadcast
In...
COUNCIL GIRLS
...Cinemascope
VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
AMBER
This one will never get a date
In those hand-me-down clothes
VELMA
Kid, she'll never get a date
'Til daddy buys her a new nose
I would say 'oy gevalt if I wasn't
Miss Baltimore Crabs
AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?
LINK
Amber, there's no need to be cruel!
VELMA
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
TRACY
I sure would. I'm all for
Integration. It's the new frontier!
VELMA
Not in Baltimore it isn't. And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be "in"
VELMA/COUNCIL KIDS
So we're kicking you out!
VELMA
With your form and your face
Awww, it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of "Miss...
VELMA/COUNCIL KIDS
...Baltimore...
VELMA
...Crabs!"
You may go.
TRACY
Um...thank you.
PENNY
I think they secretly liked you.
LITTLE INEZ
May I please audition?
VELMA
Of course not,
But you may bow and exalt!
'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore...