Ian:
I took a ride to the upper-middle class side of the city
A double deck bus to suburbia street
Leaves blew through the trees, a money breeze blowing down suburbia street
I walked cobblestone steps
I never walked cobblestone steps before
I remember your father answering the door
And he said "Oh! Hello, how are ya? Monica said you'd be coming over.
You look like a nice, Jewish boy. Oh, Monica. She's Glasgow's answer to Barbra
Streisand! That's right, she's headed straight for the top, definitely. You know why?
She gets all her talent from her Daddy. Yeah, well you know, I used to be
in the show biz once. I was the funniest man in the west of Western Scotland.
Oh, you ever hear my act about the Jewish Irish law firm? Schmendricks,
Schmeggegy, Schlamiel, and Schmoreilly?"
And he laughed. And I laughed…even though I didn't know what the hell he was talking about.
And there was a wee pause as he stood there, looking me up and
down, obviously sensing my mass of sexual charisma and charm. Before he says,
"Oh, don't stand there like a lochs hen sugar, come in boychik.
Our wee superstar's upstairs, first door on the left.
I walked up the stairs
I've never walked up such elegant stairs before
As I knocked on your pink painted door
Monica:
So? Do you have the song?
Ian:
No
Monica:
What?!
Ian:
Yes, just kidding
Monica:
Wanker!
Ian:
Listen from the beginning
Monica:
Oh, it's good!
It's a winner
Do you want to stay for dinner?
Ian:
Whatcha having?
Monica:
Friday night feast
Four hundred and forty-six courses, at least
Ian:
That's good, I'm starving
Monica:
Now could you turn around please?
While I put on my Friday night dress?