In 1986, the University of Californa at Davis
saw two of its all-time brightest stars,
Dr. Alphonse Mephisto and Dr. Arnie Abesacraben.
Dr. Mephisto worked hard towards his thesis - his goal
was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of Asparagus,
so that all Asparagus would grow to the same girth and length,
Giving Asparagus a much more pleasent presentation in the world's
supermarkter vegetable bins.
Dr. Abesacraben's goal was to genetically create the greatest
musical entertainer the world had ever seen.
Dr. Abesacraben knew that if he could assemble the right elements,
he could theoretically build a DNA structure that would ensure
his creation had talent far surpassing the average individual.
At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that
Michael Jackson - in an effort to maintain his youthful look and
feminie vocal characteristics - had his testicles surgically removed,
thereby making him a modern-day castrato.
If such a rumor were true, Michael Jackson more that likely would have
had some of his semen preserved before the surgery, to ensure his the
future of his name and lineage.
Word came back to Dr. Abesacraben of a secret cold storage locker
deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center, that not only
contained four containers of frozen semen, but also held a pair of
testicles, each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson".
I once heard a noise,
In the night the most sensual voice.
Song of love from a eight year-old boy,
Stuck in my head.
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy!
Pondering reality!
I am gopher boy!
Who will buy my raspberries?
This had to be the seed of the king of pop!
Dr. Abesacraben was able to use his charm and and chissled Greek
feature to woo a young lab technician by the name of Jennifer, who of
course happened to have the proper access needed to obtain a small vial
of the precious semen.
The search for the egg was a short one - Dr. Mephisto simply ran an ad
in the classified section of an airline music magazine. The ad read:
"Wanted: unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment. Donors must
have musical background." With a pleathera of young, eager wanna-be
music starlets willing to sell their eggs, the two doctors - after
rigorous
auditioning - picked... and purchased.
Dr. Abesacraben felt that it would be far less complicated legally if the
fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non-human. He had long since
secured the services of the University volleyball mascot, a llama by the
name of "Missy".
When the baby was ready, the child via cesarean. It was a healthy baby
boy; he was named Kevin.
I once heard a noise,
In the night the most sensual voice.
Song of love from a eight year-old boy,
Stuck in my head.
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy!
Pondering reality!
I am gopher boy!
Who will buy my raspberries?
Kevin was a beautiful child. Dr. Abesacraben saw to it that Kevin was
trained by the best in all aspects of performing. His voice was golden, and had a
sweetness to it that most males lacked. He moved with grace, and was able to
moonwalk by the time he was three. As Kevin grew in his talent, Dr. Abesacraben
started noticing odd developments in his physical state. When Kevin lost his baby
teeth, his secondaries came in with a vengance! They were at least twice
the size of a normal adult's, and the two in front stuck nearly straight out. Also
as Kevin reached his eighth year, he was the same as the was when he was four. To
top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous, even by adult
standards.
It also dawned on the doctor that even trough all the years of hearing Kevin sing,
he rarely spoke, often choosing to communicate with various grunt and gurgles.
I once heard a noise,
In the night the most sensual voice.
Song of love from a eight year-old boy,
Stuck in my head.
And this is what he said:
I am gopher boy!
Pondering reality!
I am gopher boy!
Who will buy my raspberries?
Others were noticing the changes in Kevin. Children began to tease him - to call him "Gopher Boy".
One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy" started throwing bananas at him.
Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas.
Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy and bit three finger fingers off on his left hand.
Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state.
Dr. Abesacraben's actions were found out, but because there was no legislation
concerning the genetic instruction of a human being, no criminal charges were brought forth.
The medical association's board of ethics stripped him of all his creditials, and his reputation was ruined.
In fact, his name became to synonmous with failure, that for years to come,
Medical students around the world were known to say in times of mishaps,
"Damn, I feel just like Abesacraben".
Dr. Mephisto immediately began procedings to adopt little Kevin.
Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned Asparagus,
it wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son.
They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurity.
Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words, sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles.
But on occasion, if you listen closely,
you can hear his sweet golden signing voice ring out into the night over the town of South Park:
I am gopher boy,
Pondering reality.
I am gopher boy,
Who will buy my raspberries?