Hello there and welcome, I’m glad that you could make it
On this trip to one of Britain’s deadliest places
Now keep your wits about you in this strange and distant land
As we go on a search to find the great British Lad
A couple housekeeping tips I quickly need to mention
Please no flash photography – you’ll only draw attention
Soak yourself in aftershave and use it as a mask
And put this skintight t-shirt on to act as camouflage
Now that all been covered – we’re ready to get started
There’s a pack of lads now! Just look at their markings…
Their unique tattoos differ them from rival gangs
A bunch of Chinese symbols and couple tribal bands
There’s 6 of them in total, and though they’re mostly social
They’re likely to attack another pack if they’re not local
They operate collectively and often have a tendency
To urinate in public places just to mark their territory
Welcome to the jungle it’s a hostile terrain
A dangerous location full of predators and prey
It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day
But when night falls it turns into a very different place
Let’s take a closer look at this group in particular
Hands up anybody here who knows this bit of trivia
What two traits does the alpha male exhibit?
Yes you at the back “He’s the loudest and the biggest”
Correct! Now in this group Gav is the leader
And he’s in charge of all the beta males who are weaker
When it comes to where to go – he makes the selection
And when he cracks a joke they all laugh without exception
The female of the species also has degrees of status
But their rank is measured on a slightly different basis
The queen bee is usually the one who’s most attractive
So being Alpha Lad comes with another big advantage
This system is accepted and must always be respected
As failure to comply can cause a lad to get ejected
This might not seem fair to you – and I agree it isn’t
But out here in the jungle it’s survival of the fittest
Welcome to the jungle it’s a hostile terrain
A dangerous location full of predators and prey
It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day
But when night falls it turns into a very different place
Now I know that you came here for one main reason
To see the British Lad during mating season
And now that they’ve drunk enough it only seems right
To try and find a partner to take home for the night
There’s more men than women which is always the way
So they engage in a complex courtship display
This can range from anything from dancing and posing
To telling her about the type of car that he’s owning
Don’t look now but I think we’ve got a match
Gav’s spotted Tracey and she thinks he’s a catch
They’re grinding on the dancefloor but just before they leave
They’re greeted by her ex-mating partner called Steve
Neither will back down so a violent fight ensues
Where everything from foreheads to beer bottles are used
Steve is victorious so on this occasion
Gav goes home with a kebab – to watch Babe Station
Welcome to the jungle it’s a hostile terrain
A dangerous location full of predators and prey
It may not seem that way to you, especially in the day
But when night falls it turns into a very different place
I know it’s ba-a-ad, I wanna be a la-a-ad
I wanna drink like lads, think like lads, It’s sad
I know it’s ba-a-ad, I wanna be a la-a-ad
I wanna crawl like lads, brawl like lads it’s mad