Mom got drunk and dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend, he was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he sang
'Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad'
Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins
From his second wife Mary Neil
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays
'Noel, Noel, The First Noel'
Cook the turkey, turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons and some Marlboro Lights
Halleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family
Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang, 'Silent Night, Silent Night, oh, Silent Night'
Cook the turkey turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary's 'cause we all want one
Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons and some Salem Lights
Halleluja, everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family