When my mother told me, dont forget your rain boots when its wet
I listened up just like a good, good, little girl.
And when she prudently suggested I should lose the cigarette,
I knew that bit of wisdom was a pearl.
But in all of the advice that Ive collected through the years
I admit to you with trepidatious dread
Unfortunately there was some that whizzed right through my ears
Oh where, where was my mind when mother said
Avoid naval contemplating, floppy haired actors originally from Baltimore.
Who excel at mime, still play Stratego, and have issues with their mom.
Sure at first theyre very charming. Their attention is disarming.
But give attention in return and dear theyll drop you like a bomb.
Yes. Do avoid
REO Speed Wagon loving, Christopher Walken imitating thespians originally from Baltimore.
Who cant piss unless their shrink says its okay
Why let them break your heart dear?
Put your head on and be smart dear.
Put some bug spray on and make them go away.
When my daddy told me look both ways before you cross the street,
I took those words to heart and I complied.
And when he told me Be yourself! and I should march to my own beat,
I did, and found the truth was bonafide.
But in all of the advice that Ive collected through the years,
I have to say I am a bit surprised.
I missed the best advice that daddy trumpeted my way.
Oh where? Where was my mind, when he advised
Avoid narcissistic, alcoholic, think theyre French, but theyre not! Waiters, originally from Baltimore.
Who deflower you, carry a copy of fountainhead in their pocket, and lie about their age.
Sure at first their eyes are steely.
And their words are touchy-feely.
Have them cheat upon you twice and my advice is more than sage.
Yes. Do steer clear,
Of Renaissance festival loving, food service consultants originally from Baltimore.
Who say they dance with NYC ballet, but are really an administrative intern.
For its clear upon reflection, if you give them your affection,
You will understand the concept crash and burn.
The singles world out there can be a scary land.
I have to ask, is it me? Or is it Maryland?
So if you can possibly avoid it dont fall in love, or lust, or have crushes on boys from Baltimore.
Though at first they seem chock full of style and class
Sure Cal Ripkens charm is actual,
but hes married, and its factual,
Pimlico is not the only place youll find a horses ass.
Yes! At ALL costs!
Avoid ridiculous, though amusing, experiences cultivated in BALTIMORE!
Barry Levinson, I mean no disrespect!
If you have to go to Baltimore, and meet boys do not marry em!
Although its true I hear that theyve got a nice aquarium,
Ladies take your hearts and run as fast as little legs can carry em
From Baltimore!
There are better boys in Boise.
Boys in Boise always call.
Youll have better luck in Joisie ,
Or St. Paul- no not St. Paul
But no matter where life takes you,
It just makes no sense to fall
In Baltimore!