(parody of "Regulate" by Warren G. and Nate Dogg)
Masturbators
We'll masturbate with anything we can get our hands on
From Victoria's Secret Catalogs to Archie Comics
We're damn good, too
But you can't be any Jack off the street
You gotta be handy with the candy if you know what I mean
Masturbators!
Jack up!
It was a beautiful night, under the stars
Walking hand in hand, away from all the cars
We came to a tree and sat down in the grass
I put my hand on her knee, I tried to make a pass
Just went to the movies with the girl of my dreams
Bulging out of my pants nearly breaking the seams
Put my arm around the girl then she wrecked my pride
When she jammed her elbow really hard in my side
Sittin' under the tree she put her arm around me
Then she grabbed me and repeatedly bashed me into the tree
The girl ran away, I sat there and moaned
She stole my car so I'm-a have to walk home
She didn't watch the movie she just walked away
I guess she didn't care since she didn't have to pay
But I'm not gonna let this ruin my date
But then the girl came back and threw her soda in my face
This ain't my day, I guess I'm outta luck
I still can't believe that I messed this up
I passed a movie theater not feeling too well
I looked at the marquis and said what the hell
I saw my homie Devo Spice walking into the film
I waved him over and he sat where the soda spilled
He didn't seem to care that his butt was wet
'Cause that's the only satisfaction he was going to get
I got pressure in my head, other parts are turning blue
I'm sittin' next to Stain wondering what to do
I left the movie theater decided just to roam
I wandered for a while then I found my way home
Spice got up and left so I left too
I'm still horny so I know what I have to do
We both went out and we both blew our dates
So Stain and Devo Spice had to masturbate
Sittin' in my bedroom with some Vaseline
And the girl of my dreams in a magazine
Since I wasn't with a real girl and I was annoyed
I began to shake hands with the unemployed
Now Stain is a bum and that's a known fact
But I'm not known for resortin' to a jack
Just once just once just this time
With Miss September and me, in a knuckle bind
The very next night I was lookin' for some fun
So I called every girl I knew
Most of them just began to laugh
And a couple of them even spewed
So I paced back and forth I just couldn't believe
I said ooh not again
So when a girl scout came to sell cookies I asked her
Would you like to yank my chain
I got Victoria's Secret in the house with us
The next step is the Jerkit Circus
I'm tweaking on a whole new level
But I gotta admit I'm happier than ever
I can do any girl no hesitation or trouble
Kelly Bundy, Cindy Crawford, maybe even Betty Rubble
Whips, chains, magazines, Vaseline,
G-strings, where you don't need a wife and you don't need a condom
If you do like I do
You know that it'll blow your mind
But if you do it too often
Be careful 'cause you might go blind
If you try real hard
Then you might just get a date
But if your ass is ugly
Then you're gonna have to masturbate