It all started with a simple status
I was online when I saw my mate update his
To “Feeling blessed” with a smiley face
Which aroused my suspicions right away
Now, I know that you’re probably questioning why?
But he’s the moodiest dude you’ve ever met in your life
I mean, this guy could make Eeyore look euphoric
So I knew something was up from the moment I saw it
I kept an eye on it for the next few days
And one by one all the symptoms began to display
And instead of his typical cynical posts
He was now sharing those inspirational quotes
It was obvious what was occurring
We just had to wait for his status to confirm it
And the very next day he updated it
To say – you guessed it – “In relationship”
My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up
And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up
I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t bitter
But I don’t need updates on Facebook and Twitter
My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up
And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up
I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t jealous
But keep it to yourself coz you don’t need to tell us
So now it’s official and he’s spreading the word around
You’d have to be a hermit not to have heard by now
Even when it’s unrelated
Crowbarring “My new girlfriend” into every conversation
Like “Did you hear that celebrity’s dead?”
“That reminds me of something hilarious that she said…”
So we smile and pretend that we care
And reply “Yeah mate, you probably had to be there…”
This is the same guy just to be clear
Who’s had the same profile pic for the last 5 years
And only just now he’s changed it
To a photo of them both on some nauseating day trip
He never used to even go to the shops
Now she’s taking him hiking on woodland romps?
“Man I thought you said nature was boring”
“Yeah but she gave me a new appreciation for it”
My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up
And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up
I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t bitter
But I don’t need updates on Facebook and Twitter
My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up
And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up
I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t jealous
But keep it to yourself coz you don’t need to tell us
It’s been a whole week and he thinks she’s a keeper
And inevitably now he wants me to meet her
But I don’t feel like I need to
I know enough already I could write her entry on Wikipedia
But I agree and we go for a meal
Where predictably I feel as if I’m a third wheel
While they stare lovingly into each other’s eyes
I nearly jump out my seat when the drinks arrive (DRINKS ARE HERE!)
Coz that’s the only way that I can get through this
While they sit and giggle like a pair of school kids
It’s cute but it makes me wanna vomit
They’re not calling each other “snookums” yet, but its not far from it
But she’s cool to be perfectly honest
I can’t fault her and my mate is completely besotted
So as long as he’s happy that’s the main thing
You just wouldn’t ever catch me acting like that – is all I’m saying…
My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up
And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up
I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t jealous
But keep it to yourself coz you don’t need to tell us
My mate’s loved up, my mate’s loved up
And now I can’t wait til my mate shuts up
I’m not tryna hate and I sure ain’t bitter
But maybe she’s got a fit mate or a sister?