Standing on a golf course
Dressed in PVC
I chanced upon a golf girl
Selling cups of tea
She asked me did I want one
Asked me with a grin
"For a threepence you can have one
Full right to the brim"
So of course I had to have one
In fact I ordered three
So I could watch the golf girl
Could see she fancied me
Her name was Pat
And we sat under a tree
She kissed me
Well, she said she would
If I went away again really quickly
She asked me did I want one
She hadn't gone all day
Then she would call the policeman
If I didn't go away
So of course I had to have one
In fact I ordered three
So I could watch the golf girl
Could see she fancied me
And later on the golf course
After drinking tea
It started raining golf balls
And she protected me
Her name was Pat
Yeah
And we sat under a tree
She kissed me
We'd go for walks
(Go for walks)
In the fine weather
(In the fine weather)
In the all together
Hey, I just had a really great idea
Why don't we take off all our clothes
And jump in the sand pits
Oh, come on
Oh, it's a bit wet
Yeah
Yeah, brilliant
Come on
Oh look, I found some golf balls
Yeah
Oh, that was brilliant
Can I have my clothes back now
Hey, you're not a golf girl
(No, Neil, I'm your fairy godmother
And I've come to shop you to the police
You dirty little bastard)
Oh no
(Get in that van, slick)
Ow
Are you the nice policeman or a nasty one
Ow
Standing on a golf course
Drinking cups of tea
I chanced upon a golf girl
Dressed in PVC
And later on the golf course
After drinking tea
It started raining policemen
And they arrested me
(This is really serious)
I was only jumping in the sand pits
(You're gonna get ten years for this)
Ow
(Now, hold out your hands
While I kick you in the bollocks)
Aren't you going to say
"Anything you say will be taken down
And used in evidence" against me
And then I can say "trousers"
And it be, like, a really good joke
Ow
Ow.