I came home so late that night
That you might call it early,
And I got a surprise at the door.
Never thought she'd be up at four!
She said, "I can't buy the groceries;
I can't even pay the rent.
I demand to know where
All our money went."
I said, "I can account for every cent.
Take twenty per cent for sweet talk and wine,
Twenty per cent for fruit of the vine,
Twenty per cent for some chilled Chardonnay,
Twenty per cent for the lottery I play,
Ten per cent for the pleasure I just tasted;
And the rest, I guess, I just wasted."
Sitting across from her attorney,
Who kept staring as he said to me,
"You look like more and more of a jerk
As I read through all your paperwork.
It beats every book on my shelf.
Now, I have to hear it for myself.
I think it'll be time well spent.
Tell me where all the money went."
I said, "I can account for every cent.
Take twenty per cent for sweet talk and wine,
Twenty per cent for fruit of the vine,
Twenty per cent for some chilled Chardonnay,
Twenty per cent for the lottery I play,
Ten per cent for the pleasure I just tasted,
And the rest, I guess, I just wasted."
Next thing I saw was the judge
Who said, "Don't anybody budge!
I've read almost every report
That's ever been brought to court,
Your case, sir, I can't get near it.
Maybe I'll believe it when I hear it.
Please tell everyone present
Where all the money went."
I said, "I can account for every cent.
Take twenty per cent for sweet talk and wine,
Twenty per cent for fruit of the vine,
Twenty per cent for some chilled Chardonnay,
Twenty per cent for the lottery I play,
Ten per cent for the pleasure I just tasted;
And the rest, I guess, I just wasted."
Now, I tell my story at these bars;
Steal dollar bills from the tip jars.
Yeah, I'm sitting here all alone,
No friends, no future, no phone,
No house, no wife, no money,
And it doesn't sound so funny
To explain where all the money went,
But it's how my life was spent.
I took twenty per cent for sweet talk and wine,
Twenty per cent for fruit of the vine,
Twenty per cent for some chilled Chardonnay,
Twenty per cent for the lottery I played,
Ten per cent for the pleasure I just tasted.
And the rest, I guess, I just wasted."
And the rest, I guess, I just wasted."