I love to smoke, I smoke seven thousand packs a day, okay?
And I am never fucking quitting I don't care how many laws they make
What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment
Under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?
The cops are outside, "We know you have the cigarettes
Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head"
"You'll never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear?
I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom, yeah! Say yeah!"
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies
So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time
I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all the way around my neck
I'll be tracheotomie man!
"He can smoke a pack at a time! He's tracheotomie man!
I'm looking forward to cancer, man, I want that throat cancer
That's the best kind, you know why?
You get that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing
Know what I'm talking about?
Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money with a voice box
Get a voice box, walking around the streets of Manhattan
"You got any spare change?"
"Ahh! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me!"
Imagine a whole family with voice boxes, that'd be creepy, wouldn't it?
They'd be out in that backyard everyday during the summer
"Dad, can we go to the beach?", "Yes, get your mother and the dog"
"We'll leave right now, Sparky, come here"
Or the ultimate irony, a guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive
Through window at Mcdonald's, that has to suck, huh?
"Can I help you?", "Big Mac and a large order of fries"
"Stop making fun of me", "I'm not making fun of you"
"I'm getting the manager", "Get the fucking manager, I don't care"
I can remember a time in this country
When men were proud to get cancer, God dammit!
When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice
Second time, they took out one of his lungs, he said, "Take 'em both!
'Cuz I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"
Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the game
He had a voice box, he was the first American to have a voice box
Yeah!, "This is Babe Ruth
The Sultan of Swat, the Bambino"
I smoke twenty-five goddamn Black Cuban cigars a day
I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
I fucked eighteen prostitutes a night!
'Course, I'm dead now
I'm up here in Heaven, Lou Gehrig is up Here with me
God love Lou Gehrig, Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig
Died of Lou Gehrig's disease
How the Hell did he not see that coming?
We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease
With your name all over it, pal!
There ain't no Babe Ruth disease, I'll tell you that much right now
Have a hot dog and a Hummer, go ahead, it's on me"
I don't know, personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said
"Hey! I can drive!", because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers
We fucking tried, okay?
You wanted your own sections in the restaurants, we gave you that
But that wasn't enough for you, then you wanted the airplanes
We gave you the whole God damn plane! You happy now?
You own the fucking plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks
Because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down
The first announcement you're gonna hear is
"Folks, this is your Captain speaking, look, uhm, light 'em up
'Cause we're going down, okay, I got a carton of Camels non-filters
I'll see you on the ground, take it easy"
Actually, it'd be more like this, "This is your Captain speaking"
"Smoke 'em if ya got 'em"
The filters the best part, that's where they put the heroine
Only us real good smokers know that fucking secret
Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers
But you just fucking badger us, you know? You won't leave us alone
You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us
All these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet
And you store that little nugget in your little fucking head
And we light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya?
I love these little facts, these little facts
"Well you know, smoking takes ten years off your life"
Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks?
It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, dialysis fucking years
You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!?
And I guarantee if I'm still alive then I'll be smoking then
I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on
And my twenty-five year old non-smoking born again
Christian son behind me
I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure you wipe this time
I was itching all week for Christ's sake!
And get me some more wippets
I'm almost out, you fucking pussy! Come on!"
Because you're always telling us
"You know, if you quit smoking now
Every cigarette takes three minutes off your life
If you quit now you can live an extra ten years
If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years"
Hey, I got two words for you, okay, Jim Fix, remember Jim Fix?
The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day
Did a jogging book, did a jogging video
And dropped out of a heart attack when?
When he was fucking jogging, that's when!
What do you wanna bet it was two smokers
Who found the body the next morning and went
"Hey! That's Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a fucking tragedy
Come on, lets go buy some buds"
It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother fuckers
Who get run over by a bus drive by a guy
Who smokes three and a half packs a day
"Sorry officer, I didn't see him, I was too busy smoking!"