Once upon a time in the land of Hyrule, everyone was okay and everything was cool.
Until the Dark Prince Ganon appeared and said:
"The Triforce is mine and everything is dead!"
Really?
Know your role, Link. I'll leave you black and blue, and by the way-.
What?!
I kidnapped Zelda, too.
"Oh shit!" I thought to myself, what am I going to do?!
When I find your ass, I'm gonna straight end you.
Is that a mask or your real face, you big fat jerk?
"Come on and find out, Link!"
He said with a smirk.
I'll find my way to your maze, fill up on hearts along the way.
Today will be the last day of your life.
You're so gay.
No.
Listen up Link.
Before your story begins, it's so complicated that you'll never win.
You're jokin'!
And that's why I'll detail it, 'cause you ain't shit!
I've got more important things to do than worry about it.
When your hearts run low, there are some fairies in the lake.
They will fill up/reload your energy like Frosted Flakes.
They're grrrrreat!
For now that's all you're getting no more clues for you.
Enjoy motherfucker, 'cause you'll never get through!
That's what you think, I am the Infinite Hero, and I'll keep on fightin' until my health reaches zero.
Like my white tights, my patience is thin. Haha.
You won't amount to nothin', let the story begin. Oink!
Oww, take this sword!
I'm old!
The name's Link, haha, and I'm braver than brave.
I got a wooden sword from an old man in a cave.
And when my hearts are maxed out, it shoots an energy blade?
I don't know how exactly that works, but that's okay with me.
Eventually I'll find my way out of this maze. North, west, south, west, I'm on my way to the graves.
When I master the Master Sword, I'm goin' to town; on Zelda's upside down Triforce with one in the brown.
You can't stop me from comin', I am the Hero of Time!
You'd better run for your fuckin' life, I'm comin' inside. Haha.
I'm here to destroy all of you one by one.
Makin' you disappear, come here, you know you can't run!
I got my magical shield, plenty of arrows to last me.
My boomerang is at full range, I'm a walkin' catastrophe.
Don't test me you motherfuckers, you can't hide.
You can try to run, but I got a map to where you reside.
I am the legendary fairyless wearin' the green tunic killin' everything motherfucker!
I'm blowin' holes in the walls.
Goin' from dungeon to dungeon 'til every one of them falls.
This is my destiny, and I'm comin' for you!
It's a secret to everybody how I do what I do.
Eight mini-bosses dead, and I'm on my way to Ganon.
With all the weapons I got, who the fuck needs an arm cannon?!
I've died a million times and I'll die a million more, I'm at your fuckin' door!
Link!
Haha!
I see you've finally arrived.
Watch me disappear and reappear before your eyes.
Pleased to introduce you to my energy balls! They will destroy you like nothing you've ever-!
No! I don't think so, now watch as I swing... aimlessly into the air without hitting anything.
Hahaha!
I got the Triforce, bitch! I ain't got time for hide-and-seek! Come get some!
Nooooooo, I think not. I'm Ganondorf, bitch!
Get your fairy booties out of here, 'cause you ain't shit!
It's swine time, my time to shine, Hyrule is mine. Mine all mine! Ahahahaha!
One, two, three times I hit you with my blade! Now it's time to shoot an arrow straight into your face! (Nooooo!)
It's been a great time killin' you swine, I gotta say! But after all is said and done, I'm not even gettin' laid.
Well exCUUUUUUUSE me, Princess!
So I went through all that trouble and she's bein' a bitch.
I just saved her fuckin' life, and what the hell do I get?!
Nothin'!
Fuck that shit, I should be gettin' some head, but Zelda's passed out early, layin' up in her bed.
I'm on the COUCH man! That's totally lame.
The upside down Triforce is a totally different game.
That's cool, she'll come around eventually.
Besides, she's in a coma in the next game, G. For real...