By Roger Brown, Ruan O'Lochlainn and Donald Pleasence
I KNOW A PLACE THAT'S WILD BUT SAFE,
WHERE OAK TREES GROW WITH PINE.
WHERE THE BIG BAD WOLF MEETS RED RIDING HOOD
AND THEY LAUGH AND GET ALONG JUST FINE.
AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU AND THINK OF ME,
I WONDER WHO'S YOU A WHICH IS ME.
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE,
WILL IT BE SAFE FOR ME?
I KNOW A PLACE IN THE US OF A,
WHERE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY STANDS TALL.
WHERE A FAT PUSSY CAT AND A LITTLE WHITE MOUSE
WALTZ HAPPY AT A BALL.
AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU AND THINK OF ME,
I WONDER WHO'S YOU A WHICH IS ME.
WILL THE FAT PUSSY CAT EAT THIS LITTLE WHITE MOUSE FOR TEA?
DIALOG:
SCOUSE SINGS IN ANIMO TO HIS FRIEND, GEOFFREY THE CAT
DON'T EAT ME, LET'S BE FRIENDS,
DON'T EAT ME, LET'S BE FRIENDS,
DON'T EAT ME, LET'S BE FRIENDS,
DON'T EAT ME, LET'S BE FRIENDS.
DIALOG:
"THANK YOU, THANK YOU. HERE'S A SONG YOU MAY HAVE HEARD BEFORE, "SNOW UP YOUR NOSE FOR CHRISTMAS". HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!"
SNOW UP YOUR NOSE FOR CHRISTMAS...
DIALOG:
SCOUSE LEFT THE STAGE AND JOINED GEOFFREY THE CAT AT HIS TABLE.
"I CAN SEE WHAT YOU MEAN."
"I HOPE YOU WOULD."
"LOOK HERE, WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PLACE, WE CALL IT 'THE DISCATEQUE'. HOW ABOUT A DRINK AND A DANCE AND SOME CONVERSATION?"
"WHY NOT?"
"I WILL COME SCRATCHING ON YOUR CABIN DOOR."
SOON AFTER MIDNIGHT, SCOUSE HEARD A GENTLE SCRATCH AND FAINT MEOW. GEOFFREY WAS WAITING OUTSIDE.
"WHAT'S THAT YOU'VE GOT THERE?"
"BRITISH AIRWAYS BAG. A FEW PRESENTS FOR THE CATS."
"COME ON!"
"WHERE ARE WE GOING?"
"YOU'LL SEE."
ALONG THE MAIN CORRIDOR AND DOWN THREE FLIGHTS OF STEPS, TO A LITTLE TRAP DOOR WHICH SWUNG IN EACH DIRECTION. A LITTLE DOOR MARKED 'DANGER! INSPECTION TRAP!'.
"THROUGH HERE."
SCOUSE FELT HIMSELF FALLING THROUGH SPACE. HE LANDED WITH A BUMP.
"YOU, YOU MIGHT HAD KILLED ME!"
"SUPPOSE SO. KNOW WHERE WE ARE?"
"NO?"
"INSPECTION SHAFT. WE'RE ABOVE THE OCEAN HERE."
"IT'S COLD AND DAMP! IS, IS THIS THE DISCATEQUE?"
"YES, IT'S A GOOD FLOOR FOR DANCING."
"WHERE, WHERE ARE THE CATS?"
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!... (cat noises)
"LET'S HAVE SOME LIGHT! THERE'S A MOON! HEAVE-HO! MY HEARTY!"
A SMALL POT HOLE WAS OPENED. SCOUSE COULD SMELL THE SEA.
"WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A DANCE NOW AND AFTER THAT WE'LL SENTENCE YOU!"
"OH, WHAT FOR?"
"PRETENDING TO BE A HUMAN BEING. ENGAGE, CHAPS! THE DANCE IS ON."
"THERE'S NO MUSIC?"
"WE MAKE THE MUSIC. EVER HEARD OF A CATERWAUL?"