First of all I'd like to make it very clear
That none of this bloody mess was my ruddy idea
Despair at Connex, relief at Virgin Trains
Despair on the platform on these tragicomic days
Flick through the broadsheet with disinterested glaze
Take the pill, agree with them that we've seen better days
Re-edify and re-digest into an unsatisfying whole
The blessed kingdom fell apart just like our global role
Each fresh disaster brings meat to the tabloid pack
Your surgically enhanced face is stretched out on the rack
They invade your litterbins and probe the litter you talk all night
And then the Today programme brings new light on old shite
So Tony presided over a Tory Plan B so deft
Play the decent hubby, raise the right and sod the left
He didn't need a cabinet, just some big old planks of wood
Safe industry contacts, safe pair of hands and a safe knighthood
The second man was called Campbell, tossing slogans from the shade
He never got on with Mandy, who always came back unscathed
Don't look under the table, keep your prying eyes away
Just swallow what you're given, yes this is our Third Way
Don't make any sudden moves, Capita is watching you
Though you can buy your performance on tape for a fee
This freedom that we know so well is just freedom to buy or sell
Within the limits of sanctioned policy, of the quango sub-committee.