ERB - Abe Lincoln VS Chuck Norris Epic Rap Battles of History #3 Lyrics

:
Four score and sixty-five years in the past
I won the Civil War with my beard
Now I'm here to whup your ass
I've read up on your facts
You cure cancer with your tears?
Well, tell me Chuck
How come you never sat down and cried on your career?
You're a washed up has-been
On TV selling Total Gyms
And you're gonna lose this battle
Like you lost Return of the Dragon
I'll rip your chest hairs out, put 'em in my mouth
I'll squash you like I squashed the South
I never told a lie and I won't start now
You're a horse with a limp, I'll put you down

:
This isn't Gettysburg, punk, I'd suggest retreating
For I invented rap music when my heart started beating
Chuck Norris doesn't battle, he just allows you to lose
My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth

:
I've got my face on the side of a mountain
You voted for John McCain
I've got a bucket full of my head
And I'm about to make it rain
You block bullets with your beard?
I catch 'em with my skull
I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger
But I've never even seen that show

:
I am Chuck fucking Norris
I've spread more blood and gore
Than forty score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch
I split the Union with a roundhouse kick
I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick
I attack sharks, when I smell them bleed
I don't go swimming, water just wants to be around me
My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster
You may have freed the slaves
But Chuck is everyone's master