Epic Rap Battles of History - Abe Lincoln vs Chuck Norris Lyrics

Four score
and 65 years in the past
I won the Civil War with my beard
now I'm here to whup your ass
I've read up on your facts
you cure cancer with your tears?
well, tell me Chuck
how come you never sat down
and cried on your career?
You're a washed up has been
on TV selling Total Gyms
and you're gunna lose this battle
like you lost Return of the Dragon
I'll rip your chest hairs out
put 'em in my mouth
I'll squash you like I squashed the South
I never told a lie
and I won't start now
you're a horse with a limp,
I will put you down.


This isn't Gettysburg, punk
I'd suggest retreating
for I invented rap music
when my heart stopped beating
Chuck Norris doesn't battle
he just allows you to lose
my raps will blow your mind,
like the verbal John Wilkes Booth


I've got my face on the side of a mountain
you voted for John McCain
I've got a bucket full of my head
and I'm about to make it rain
You block bullets with your beard?
I catch 'em with my skull
I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger
but I've never even seen that show


I am Chuck Fucking Norris
I've spread more blood and gore
than forty score of your puny Civil Wars
bitch
I split the Union with a roundhouse kick
I wear a black belt
on the beard
that I grow on my dick
I attack sharks
when I smell them bleed
I don't go swimming
water just wants to be around me
my first make the speed of light
wish that is was faster
you may have freed the slaves,
but Chuck is everyone's master.