Buffy Musical Episode - I'll Never Tell Lyrics

Anya:
This is the man
That I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?

My claim to fame
Was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine

But I'm out of the biz
The name I made I'll trade for his
The only trouble is...
I'll never tell

Xander:
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace

Warm in the night
When I'm right in her tight -
Embrace, tight embrace!

I'll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that - no
I'll never tell

Xander and Anya:
'Cause there's nothing to tell

Anya:
He snores

Xander:
She wheezes

Anya:
Say 'housework' and he freezes

Xander:
She eats these skeezy cheeses
That I can't describe

Anya:
I talk
He breezes

Xander:
She doesn't know what 'please' is

Anya:
His penis got diseases
From a Chumash tribe

Xander and Anya:
The vibe gets kind of scary

Xander:
Like she thinks I'm ordinary

Anya:
Like it's all just temporary

Xander:
Like her toes are kind of hairy

Xander and Anya:
But it's all very well
'Cause god knows, I'll never tell

Anya:
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy
Now look - he's gettin' huffy
'Cause he knows that I know

Xander:
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She never -

Anya:
His eyes are beady

Xander:
This is my verse! Hello?
She -

(tempo changes, Anya dances)

Anya: (spoken)
Look at me! I'm dancin' - crazy!

(Xander joins in - dance break continues)

Xander and Anya:
You know

Xander:
You're quite the charmer

Anya:
My knight in armor

Xander:
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm yet supple -
Tight embrace!

(dance break - fast then slow)

Anya:
He's swell

Xander:
She's sweller

Anya:
He'll always be my feller

Xander:
That's why I'll never tell her
That I'm petrified

Anya:
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
I know that come the day
I'll want to run and hide

Anya and Xander:
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I can't quell

Xander:
Is she looking
For a pot of gold?

Anya:
Will I look good
When I've gotten old?

Xander:
Will our lives become too stressful
If I'm never that successful?

Anya:
When I get so worn and wrinkly
That I look like David Brinkley?

Xander:
Am I crazy?

Anya:
Am I dreamin'?

Xander:
Am I marrying a demon?

Xander and Anya:
We could really raise the beam
In makin' marriage a hell
So thank god, I'll never tell
I swear that I'll never tell

Xander:
My lips are sealed

Anya:
I take the fifth

Xander:
Nothin' to see
Move it along

Xander and Anya:
I'll never...
Tell!