Twas the fright before Christmas
No one upset me
With a big bowl of popcorn, watching TV
I stretched, gave a yawn, settled back in my chair
In hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there
The children were lying awake without sleep
Theyd seen all his movies; He gives them the creeps
Id cued up cuckoos nest with my trusty remote
To the part where he had all the nuts in the boat
When out in the yard, there arose such a noise
I turned off the TV to see what it was
And what to my wandering eyes should approach
But the Los Angeles Lakers, and Pat Riley, their coach
The limo was racing, the team at its heels
Thats when I saw him: the man at the wheel
He ranted and cursed, and waved round his swizzle stick
And I knew in a second it must be Jack Nick
More rapid than the Celtics these Lakers they came
He screamed like a mad man and called them by name
Now Magic, now Worthy, now Scott and Kareem
On Cooper, on Rambis and the rest of the team
Down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a groan
Then he brushed off the suit and said, Honey, Im home
He was wearing a trench coat, with beer it was stained
And his shirt was clawed to shreds by Shirley Maclaine
He had a fat face and a flabby beer belly
From too many trips to the bar and the deli
He said, It's tough when an actor becomes fat and lazy
I only get calls to play weirdos and crazies
And middle-aged has-beens with washed up careers
But Ill fix them all and play Santa this year
And with that, he buried his head in the sack and said
Lets see what you get from your old buddy Jack
A hatchet for daddy", he reared back his head
To scare all those little buggers upstairs in bed
And a stiff drink for mommy in a nice tall glass
She could really use something to kill that bug up her chimney
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his face
He threw all the stockings into the fireplace
What could I do? What could I say?
What would I wear on my feet Christmas day?
I asked for a reason and turning his head
He looked straight at me and heres what he said
Why? You wanna know why?
Do you really wanna know why, pal? Ill tell you why
When youre out Christmas shopping
You know, doing your little Christmas things
With all your little Christmas friends
Spreading all that Christmas cheer
With those stupid Christmas songs?
Did you ever stop and think of
Picking up a little something for old Jack?
Did you ever stop to think of what Jack might like for Christmas?
You know Jack from the movies up on the big screen
Pouring his heart out, giving it everything hes got
Day in and day out, just trying as hard as he can
To bring a tiny little bit of sunshine
Into your miserable little humdrum lives
Did you ever think of good ole Jack for a second?
No, not once, maybe old Jack just wasnt that good
Maybe, I wasnt good enough
In the postman always rings twice
Acting my guts out for you in that one
Cuckoos nest, the shining, witches of fricking Eastwick
Prizzis fricking honor, all for you, pal
Just to brighten things up for you
Not good enough though, is it?
No, you want me to brighten up the Christmas season too?
Isnt that what you want, pal?
Okay, let's make things real bright around here
What do you say we decorate the tree?
String up these pretty lights here
Oh, shes looking brighter already
What do you say we take this cute little angel
And ram her on the top branch, huh?
How about some gasoline for the whole thing?
I mean, let's make her just as bright as she can be
What do you say we light her up and chuck her
Through the old picture window here?
No point in having a tree as bright
As all that without giving the neighbors
A chance to see, dont you think?
There, arent you glad ole Jack stopped by
The flames towered brightly in the cold, wintry sky
As he made for his limo and bade his goodbye
And an age may unfold air I fail to regret
That visit from St. Nicholson, which Id sooner forget
But I swear by the goose bumps upon my skin
That Ill always remember that devilish grin
And his voice, crying out as he faded from sight
Merry Christmas to all and I hope I never see you again
For as long as I live, for crying out loud