Den: It was... the AGM of Bad News was about, what are we gonna call the album? So, I declare
this meeting open, and er... Colin is taking the minutes...
Vim: Can I say a few words first?
Colin: Well...
Den: No. The meeting is now open.
Colin: Yes, we have to start the meeting like we do all the meetings.
Vim: Alright.
Den: I am the chairman.
Colin: Den, as always, is the chairman. I'm taking minutes.
Den: I am the chairman, you are taking minutes. Do we have all the members of Bad News
present?
Colin: I shall ask for a head count.
Spider: Present. Present!
Colin: We have to do this properly like we always do...
Vim: There's four heads.
Colin: I have to do the head count like we always do at the meeting.
Vim: There's ALWAYS four heads.
Colin: Please! Please.
Vim: Alright.
Colin: If we want to decide on a title for the album...
Den: My forehead's above my eyebrows.
Colin: If we're going to decide on a title for the album then we must do it as a band, as a
democracy. I'll do the head count. Den Dennis, are you present?
Den: Yes, I am present.
Colin: Spider Webb, are you present?
Spider: Present, Sir!
Colin: Colin Grigson, are you present? Yes, I am present. Alan?
Vim: Yeah?
Colin: Are you here?
Vim: (laughs) Yeah, course I'm fuckin' here!
Colin: Alright then, well, look at me when I ask you.
Vim: Huh!
Colin: Vim Fuego, are you present?
Vim: Vim Fuego is here. All kneel and praise him.
Colin: All are... please! All are present, Mr Chairman.
Den: I now declare this AGM open, and... who is going to speak first?
Vim: Why do we have AGMs every fuckin' week? It's supposed to be annual, isn't it?
Colin: (sighs)
Den: I thought it was every day.
Colin: Well, it's turning out to be every day, because you've got...
Vim: (breaks wind) Oh, sorry.
Den: Hang on, hang on, it says here in the constitution, no farting at an AGM!
Colin: Open the window! Where's the window?
Den: There isn't a window, we're in a windowless void.
Vim: Oh God! Right, can I say a few words now?
Colin: To propose the motion of the title of the album, I call upon Vim Fuego.
Vim: I'd like to say...
Colin: Mr Fuego, what is your, er, thing?
Vim: I'd like to say that I think we're doing very, very well on this album. I think
everyone's playing has become immeasurably better. I don't think I've ever played with a
better bass player, I think he's really got the... thing, you know...
Den: What?
Vim: I think Spider's drumming is immaculate...
(Murmurs of agreement.)
Vim: ...and even Den is surpassing, you know... even Richie Blackmore's standards... and I
think we should call the album "Vim Fuego".
(Pause.)
Den: Yeah...
Colin: Hmmm. Well, Dennis had a much better idea for the album title, didn't you?
Den: Yeah, what happened to "Satan Ate My Knob"?
Colin: Well, EMI said that we couldn't say it, it was... it was obscene and anti-Christian.
Spider: And also, there was, erm...
Vim: They're bloody picky, aren't they?
Spider: But you've got a problem with the Trade Descriptions Act, you see, 'cause he didn't.
Colin: Yes, there's that as well, yes.
Den: Oh, that's a point, yeah.
Vim: Yeah. They're not to know that, though.
Colin: You could say, er...
Den: "Satan Would Like To Eat My Knob."
Colin: Ah, but even then, you can't prove it.
Vim: Either... someone might see Satan one day and he might have thought that one day he'd
eat our knobs.
Colin: You could say "In my opinion... Satan might..."
Spider: Could be... could be seen to be eating your knob.
Colin: Could be in a mood...
Den: Well, not "seen to be"...
Colin: Could be seen to...
Den: ...'cause, I mean, you know, what if he doesn't? Then no-one's ever seen him do it.
Colin: Mmm, mmm... "In My Imagination I Have Sometimes Thought About Satan Eating My Knob."
Perhaps we could call the album that.
Vim: Why couldn't we have "Satan Ate My Head", and then...
Colin: Because he hasn't! We've been through all this!
Den: Trades description fuck-up.
Colin: I mean, cool out. Cool out.
Den: What about "Paranoid Greatest Hits"?
Vim: (laughs) That's a real one though, isn't it?
Den: No.
Vim: No, it's Sabbath.
Den: No, it's not the Sabs.
Vim: Purps?
Den: It's not the Sabs.
Vim: Well, what are good titles that other bands have had, then?
(Pause.)
Colin: ..."Slippery When Wet"?
Den: Er...
Vim: "Slippery When Wet" is quite good.
Den: (opens door) I'm just going for a piss.
Colin: Not bad.
Vim: That's not bad!
Colin: Not bad.
Den: Right. I now declare this meeting closed.
Colin: Good. Any other business?
Den: Well, if we can't play, 'cause there's no instruments and Brian's away doing an album
with Lulu...
Spider: No, Anita... Anita...
Colin: Anita Harris.
Spider: ...Harris.
Den: Or Anita Harris, well, anyway...
Colin: (belches)
Den: ...if they're away doing an album, why don't we just drink a lot instead?