Hello
Thank you all for coming out today
At this time, I will be holding my weekly press conference
For the negative voices inside my head
First question
Yes, you?
Hi, Danny Giles, negative voice, Whoop-Dee-Doo Times
Uh, what makes you think you're so special? Whoop dee doo
Uh, I actually don't think I'm special
Next question
Keith Willard, negative voice, Nagging Fears Bugle
Um, who the fuck do you think you're kidding?
You know, I actually feel really good about myself
I have a new album coming out, so yeah, I've met a lot of goals this year
Follow-up question
What do you think 13-year-old you would say
If she knew that instead of doing Shakespeare in the Park
She's making songs about dicks?
I think she'd be really proud of me
Next question
Jack Dolgen, Weight Weekly
Can you confirm rumors from the stomach that all you've eaten today is frosting?
No comment
Can you confirm rumors from the clitoris
That today you've masturbated four times
To the mere thought of a billboard you thought you saw for Hot in Cleveland?
Wendie Malick is like a fine wine, not my fault
Next question
Rachel, this is your mother with the Disappointing Daughter Sunday Times Magazine
Do you really think you'll ever measure up to your sister
And her award-winning chicken restaurant?
This is your father with the Why the Fuck Are You So Fat Tribune
Why the fuck are you so fat?
I don't know why I'm so fat, Dad!
Rachel, this is the Gobbler Special
The dish at your sister's restaurant that Zagat called, and I quote
The best piece of chicken I have ever tasted