We did it all
We did it all
We did whatever we could
Get our hands on back in the seventies
We did fucking handfuls of mushrooms, pills, ludes, coke
Whatever it was, we just fucking swallowed it, okay?
That's what we did, people go
"Well why didn't you go into rehab?"
We didn't have rehab back in the seventies
Back in the seventies rehab meant you'd stop doing coke
But you kept smoking pot and drinking
For a couple more weeks, you know?
"Yeah, give me a case of Budweiser and an ounce
I gotta slow down, Jesus Christ, I'm outta control
Look at the size of my pants, for Christ's sake
Because that's the big thing now
Rehab is the big fucking secret now, isn't it, huh? yeah
You can do whatever you want
Just go into rehab and solve your problems
Isn't that the big celebrity thing?
That's what I'm gonna do
Yeah, I'm gonna get famous
Then when my career starts to flag
I'm gonna go into three months fucking bender, okay?
Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze
And drive over people, and beat up my kids
Go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab
Be on the cover of People Magazine
"Sorry! I fucked up!", That's what they do, man
They go into rehab and they come out
And they blame everybody except themselves
They blame their parents, right? That's the way
Everybody comes from a dysfunctional family
All of the sudden, huh?
Rosanne Barr comes from a dysfunctional family?
Not Rosanne, she seems so normal to me
The Jacksons were dysfunctional?
Not the Jacksons
These people give each other new heads
For Christmas for Christ's sake
I am sick and tired of hearing
That fucking speech, you know?
These people come out of rehab
They always have the same story
"Well you know, I became an alcoholic
Because my parents didn't love me enough
And then I became a junkie
Because my parents didn't love me enough
And I went into hypnosis and therapy
And I found out that parents used to hit me
"Hey! My parents used to beat the living shit out of me, okay?
And looking back on it, I'm glad they did
And I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my kids, aren't you"?
For no reason whatsoever
"What'd you hit me for?"
"Shutup and get out there and mow the lawn for Christ's sake"
There's therapy for ya
Mowing the lawn and crying at the same time
"The Leary kids in therapy again
Their lawn looks great, it's unbelieveable"
God, "I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy"
I'm just not happy because
My life didn't turn out the way
I thought it would
"Hey! Join the fucking club, okay"
I thought I was going to be
The starting center fielder for
The Boston Red Socks
Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, allright?
"I'm not happy, I'm not happy"
Nobody's happy, okay?
Happiness comes in small doses folks
It's a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm
That's it, okay! You cum, you eat the cookie
You smoke the butt, you go to sleep
You get up in the morning and go to fucking work, okay?
That is it, end of fucking list
"I'm just not happy"
Shut the fuck up, allright?
That's the name of my new book
"Shut the Fuck Up, by Doctor Denis Leary
A revolutionary new form of therapy"
I'm gonna have my patients come in. "Doctor, I"
"Shut the fuck up, next"
"I don't feel so"
"Shut the fuck up, next"
"He made me feel so much better about myself, you know?
He just told me to shut the fuck up
And nobody had ever told me that before
I feel so much better now"
Whining fucking maggots
And all these people quitting
I think it's a good thing, AA
And the recovery and rehab
Because I've got some friends who'd be dead
Without those programs, but you know something
Now we've got a new problem
Because now they quit drinking and drugs
They're completely stressed out
And they decide to work out, which is fine
I'm not a workout guy, but I understood Nautilus
It made sense, there were arm machines and leg machines
But have you seen these people
Who are using the stair-master?
Have we turned into gerbils ladies and gentlemen?
People are paying money to go into a health club
And walk up invisible steps
Over and over again for an hour and a half
"Where are you going?" "I'm going up and I paid for it too
I can stay here as long as I want"
Folks, you wanna go up and down stairs
Move into a fifth floor walk up on the lower east side, okay?
What's next? A fucking chair master?
"I sit down. I get up, I sit down
I get up, I sit dow, I get up"
The door master
"I open the door, I close"
What the fuck?