Daniel Tosh - Four Songtexte

And sports needs steroids. It does are you kidding me, oh
baseball certainly, baseball is a strike away from being
soccer. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America.
See our country already has entertainment, so watching
people chase a ball around for four hours to end zero-
zero isn't enjoyably unless of course the bleachers
collapse and half of Europe dies. Or you're watching that
girl from the University New Mexico. She seems pretty
competitive. Remember her? She was yanking chicks
down by the hair, kicking chicks in the pussy. I can only
assume that her father was in a bunch of gambling debt
and everything was riding on that game. And she's out
there, "I'm doing this for you pa," or she really hates
Mormons, one or the other. Pretty sure they were playing
BYU.

Ah, Baseball. Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle
either, lets hit the ball deep. Don't worry about your
records either, for every superstar that has done steroids,
a billion double a boys have juiced up, so the playing field
is plenty even. Well put an asterisk next to Barry bonds
name sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's
name: getting to break record before black people were
allowed to play. Excuse me, where is that asterisks? Why
don't people talk about that? I'd love to know how many
homers the babe would've hit had CC be throwing 92 mile
an hour sliders. Maybe, the fat boy would've put the cigar
down and quit pointing had José been allowed to swim 90
miles to throw him a junk ball. Don't worry if you don't
follow: 90 miles is the distance from Key West to Cuba,
José is a stereotypical name for a Latino ball player, and
a junk ball is an impossible pitch to hit yard any place
except for the new Yankee stadium, which is a joke.

The point is the record books might look a little different
had our country not founded by racists, that's all. And I
love that in 2010 you're still not allowed to shit on the
founding fathers. Why not? Screw them. They're a bunch
of racist fucking pigs with a handful of good ideas. I just
hope that when they were signing the declaration of
independence, they shot each other a glance, "all men
are created equal, you know what we mean. Now get me
some hot coffee boy."

At least we not women, right fellas? Jeez. What is that
like, is it horrible, is it awful, to know you're number 2? By
the way, these aren't my beliefs; it's my observations on
the world I live in. If it changes, I'll adjust the material
accordingly. I like when you try to rationalize it, "No it's
great being a women, free drinks is worth not having
equality." Listen, you're in great country to be number
two, because at least in America its close, right, men are
here women are here. Some countries it's like this, and
house cat is right there. That is a bad country to be a
woman in. Don't' get lost in a hike there, you'll end up on
YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption
for that.

I do think we could be a little less PC when it comes to
sports though. Just once, I want to hear an announcer go,
"god black people are fast. Holy cow, All of them, they're
fast. Back to you Bob." Why don't we say that, we're all
the same species, got it. If I'm at a horse track and I see
them cramming Clydesdale in gate 3, uh, I'm not going to
put my money on it, gonna bet on the thoroughbred,
preferably one from Jamaica, they've got wheels.

I don't like Stuart Scott on sports center. If you don't who
he is, he's a black gentleman that graduated from UNC
with almost perfect grades. He feels the need to talk hip
hop for absolutely no reason at all. While he's calling
plays he'll be like boo-yah. Easy Stuart. First of all, I have
more street cred than you. Second of all, I have HD
television and you have one eye. Yeah, it's grossing me
out. It's eight in the morning, I'm eating egos, I don't want
to see Cyclops struggling with the teleprompter. Boo-yah.
Take that to the UK where they embrace ugly people on
television, not here in America you circus freak. Yeah,
next time you want to catch passes on the side line, use
your hands don't let it come to the body, you learn that in
Pop Warner. I'm aware that I could end the joke at the
good part, I choose not to.